Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
