GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize