I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
