We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Randomize
