I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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