omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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