Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize