'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
