Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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