Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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