What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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