i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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