well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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