i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Let's paint friendship bongs
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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