Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
