I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
