I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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