i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
