I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
