When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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