He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
