this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
