Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize