last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I don't deserve a penis
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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