Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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