I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
