I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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