Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
