I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
