It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
