you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
