Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
