PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
