There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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