At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
