Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
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