She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
