Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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