Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
