why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
