i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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