i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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