I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize