You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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