All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
