Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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