I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
