He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
