Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize