I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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