new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
