Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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