No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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