i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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