I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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