I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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