a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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