I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
