I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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