someone owes me an orgasm
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
sarcasm needs its own font
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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