Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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