I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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