sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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