I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
